a gokon is a big group date for singletons in japan (not to be confused with gokan, which means rape. one vowel slip and this would be a totally different entry . . . ). my friend nani and her friend shinya (not her boyfriend) decided to get a couple of their single friends together to see if there'd be any love matches. I don't think there were but the experience itself was pretty interesting.
foreign guys in japan don't stay single long enough to be invited to one of these and foreign women are rarely invited. i felt honored to get a glimpse into this particular aspect of the japanese dating scene. nani is a good friend so i think she was just doing me a favor (she knew i'd never been to one before). i was coming straight from work which so it was a bit of a trip for me to get to shibuya (i was on the other side of the city), making me about 10 - 15 mins late.
admittedly, not a great start as the japanese like to be on time (which means 10 mins early). but having been tardy, i thought intros would be over. i apologized and jumped in hoping to just catch names so they could continue whatever conversation i assumed they were engaged in. boy was i wrong. i was expecting something along the lines of "hi, i'm jack." "hi jack, i'm amy." oh no. this was more like an interview. after being told that they had just started, the procedure went more along these lines, "my name is jack smith. i am from gunma prefecture. i live in saitama. i work at tokyo station. i am a chemical engineer. i have 2 sisters and a pet turtle. my hobbies are riding my bicycle, playing soccer, and surfing porn. i am lactose intolerant and allergic to cats and pollen." once the bio is given, the rest of us lying in wait ask the poor schmuck a bunch of questions. we go around the table and take turns doing this. it was the single most unnatural introduction i have ever seen. with six of us, the first hour was devoted to intros and interrogation. so bizarre.
the food arrives. nani and her friend had picked out a kushiage restaurant -- that's bite sized food on a stick that's been deep fried, for the uninitiated. now, i like my stick food, and bite sized is great AS AN APPETIZER but man, where's the rest of it?! never mind, let me have a drink or two or three or four. fuck it, let's make it five so i can be as inappropriate as possible. me with a few drinks? verrrrry chatty. and not on my best behavior. probably not the best situation for a first date, even if it IS in a group.
having been a gokon virgin up to that point, i was asking everyone (the boys and girls) about how this all works for them, how many times they had been to one, what were the expectations, what kind of people they liked, what was most important thing they looked for in a person, which was their preference: cute, pretty, or sexy, etc. i was asking everything under the sun. i'm sure nani was horrified though she generously texted me after to say she was glad i went with her.
my favorite new person i met that night was actually the other girl. she's nani's friend's friend named Tomomi (tomi for short) and she spent about a year in fucking no-man's-land Indiana, which explains why her english was so stellar. that, combined with she used to date a british guy and works for an english text book publishing company. she looks a bit exotic for a japanese girl: long dark hair and almost indian looking eyes; very pocahontas-y. casually dressed in trousers and a blouse, she came across as a tad demure in the beginning but became open and friendly as the night went on. i found her quite interesting to talk to. tomi's my age (thank god, as i was feeling quite OLD) which put us a bit more on par with each other. the guys were all 31 (i think shinya was 32) and nani is a couple years younger than me as well. not a huge age difference but not insignificant either. in a month's time, i will be in my mid 30s and i've found that the older i get, the clearer i am about what i want and like vs what i don't. i think that clarity tends to freak some people out. but frankly, i'm too old to waste my time with people i'm incompatible with.
nani's friend shinya was quite the chatty cathy. a bespeckled, skinny little dude with spiky hair, shinya and his friend miki are the embodiment of metrosexual: the obviously shaped and tweaked eyebrows, fashionable tighter fitting clothes, overly styled hair. miki was the brooding silent type while shinya yaked away, in close competition with the other guy, taka. taka looked more like your typical salary man in the making. they weren't sure how much english i spoke but taka was the only one who was speaking quite slowly and explaining every single thing to me which either makes him quite sweet or extremely patronizing. i'd like to think it was the former since he has texted me since saying we should all (READ: NOT DATE) go out for a drink again sometime.
nani was quieter than usual; i'm guessing that the japanese girl manual says that in the presence of boys, you should act more demure because shy is cute -- or at least that seems to be the case here. she looked great, new safari shirt dress and heels and despite the humidity, her hair looked perfect (as it always does -- how the fuck do they keep their hair and make up like that?! i was starting to look like a frizzy bomb with melted make up). me? gray 50s modcloth dress and reddish low heels. i thought i looked quite cute when i left the house but i'm always kidding myself in the presence of other japanese girls. there is NO competition.
i don't think i acted so differently. it's been so long since i've been on a real date (even this wasn't a REAL date) that i don't really know how i'm supposed to act on one. me asking a million questions during the first experience of just about anything is very much me, especially after a few bevys. i'm afraid i embarrassed nani with my lack of polish and i'm sure the guys were put off by my challenging nature but i've never understood why someone would act completely different from their normal self simply because they are on a date. isn't the point of this mass date to meet someone that you might have some chemistry with? what's the point if you don't present your true self? that's like going shopping for gummy bears and buying a box of couscous. i am what i am, good and bad, but i'm also aware that my wysiwyg style is what keeps me single. people don't want to buy into a reality; they want a fantasy, even if it's just for a little while.
we talked about a lot of things: work, the pressures of being single in your 30s, the difficulty of finding someone to date, a lot of comparison between japanese and american men and women (they were floored that i'd never dated a japanese guy before), who their ideal looking celebrity was, the prominence of the gay community, etc. we shut the restaurant down and caught the last train home (it was early for me cuz i live in the city but some of them were going back to BFE in kanagawa and places like that) -- it was also a school night which tends to make for an early night anyway.
would i do this again? absolutely! it was fun in an awkward sort of way, and i felt more like a cultural anthropologist, but i came away from it with a couple of new friends which is always good. as far as failed love connections go, this was one of the more fun ones.
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